Category: #cherishedmemories

#cherishedmemories · children · Honest mum · mum · Mum friends · Parenting

Birthday Parties

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When your child starts school, you may as well cancel any weekend plans for the rest of the school year due to the 29 birthday parties you will get invited to. You want them to make friends (and secretly want to make friends yourselves) and so you go to all of them. This is great until May rolls around and you would rather put your head in the oven then see another bloody balloon.

As they got older, they’ve chosen their friends, you’ve clocked the naughty kids and discovered the parents you get on with, therefore making this party malarkey a whole lot easier.

Until then, my advice to you is: Don’t go to them all.

My little Turderoo is what we call “a sensitive soul” aka an emotional freaking wreck. Here is a list of things he doesn’t like:

Lots of people, new people, grown-ups, loud music, loud shouting, darkness, being separated from me, dancing, competitions, face painting and people dressed up.

Yeah. Happy fucking birthday to you random kid I’ve never heard of. This party better be worth it.

The party etiquette is a little confusing at this age too – do you leave them? Do you stay? How much do you spend on a present? Can you just not go because you can’t be arsed or is it more polite to make up a lie? Can you bring toddlers? Will they be fed? And fed enough that I don’t have to feed them or awkward-time feeding where it’s after lunch, not quite dinner so I still have to cook after this?!

From what I’ve learnt being a Reception mum:

Stay with them. Especially if you also wield “a sensitive soul”.

They will be fed. If not, the sugar from all the Haribo that gets doled out will sustain them until midnight.

Bring toddlers but do not expect food/goody bags for them – that would be rude.

Present buying; If it is a kid you’re child has no particular interest in, up to £5 generic craft/colouring crap is fine. If they have proclaimed their marriage to said birthday girl/boy, up to £10 with consideration to their personal interest is fair. Also use recyclable paper. People seem really into that these days.

Oh and never underestimate the power of a goody bag. A little bag containing cake, sweets and Chinese plastic tat that breaks immediately will make your little one’s bloody day. Never forget it – I learnt this the hard way after leaving it in somebody’s car – you will never hear the end of it.

It seems plastic medals, cake and bubbles and 100% winners on the goody bag front. Once got a pair of themed socks which was very much appreciated.

Did not appreciate mini jigsaw puzzles (I mean, really?!) or Maom sweets (who can actually chew these let alone enjoy them?!)

Essentially, a party is a winner if nobody cries. Once Turd, Turdette and then I all cried at a party. Not my proudest moment. He got freaked out by a dressed up pig while she whinged and moaned (for like a continuous year) and at this point instead of comforting him like a normal mother, I lost my shit and then cried with guilt. Received some judgemental looks in the process but hey-ho.

He got a plastic medal.

#winning

Mother’s Day – What we really want
#cherishedmemories · children · Honest mum · mum · Parenting

Mother’s Day – What we really want

Playground Politics1 Comment

Flowers and candles are all well and good, but if we have to do our normal duties, WTF is the point?!

Mums operate 365 days a year. Let that sink in. Every goddamn day. No sick days. No holidays. No duvet days. Mother’s Day should be an exception. I want to be selfish and not do anything for anyone else. Including my own mother and mother-in-law.

This is what I (and I’m sure other mums) really want on Mother’s Day but are too polite to say aloud:

  1. To be left alone
  2. To not wipe anything – no surfaces, no mouths, no bums (unless it is my own, may be taking it a bit too far otherwise)
  3. To lie-in without any guilt
  4. To not make breakfast, make lunch, cook dinner, obtain snacks. In fact, it even stresses me out watching the husband cook so takeaway would be great.
  5. To watch what I want on TV. Screw you Peppa Pig, this is my day.
  6. To chill. I want to play Xbox with the headset on max. I want to do some little craft projects. Probably nap. And read in bed (without any advances from the other half, thank you very much.)
  7. Chocolate. Because everyday I want chocolate. If I didn’t actually have it on a special occasion then there is clearly grounds for divorce.

Call me harsh, but the idea of going out for dinner with kids on Mother’s Day also blows. Trying to restrain a toddler while waiting for food to arrive that they refuse to eat? To then stop them from stabbing themselves with a fork and knocking the knife on the floor for the freaking umpteenth time? And then be blackmailed into buying ice-cream for them by the pity-filled waitress which again they refuse to eat?! No thanks. I’m good.

Ideally, the other half should take the kids out and leave me the hell alone. Of course you can’t actually admit that so I’ll accept the other 7 things on my list.

My Mother’s Day motto: Not my problem.

So tell me, what do you really want this Mother’s Day?

#cherishedmemories · children · Honest mum · mum · Mum friends · Parenting

Small talk survival guide

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Small talk in the playground or at toddler groups is an inevitable ritual when you’re a mum. Yet the small talk is all a lie – you need to dig a little deeper to find the truth. So here is a guide I hope you find useful (and I wish somebody showed me when I first became a mum.)

Question: “What do you do?” Translation: “Stay-at-home mum? Ahhh thought so…”

Question: “What does your husband do?” Translation: “How rich are you people??“

Question: “Where about do you live?” Translation: “Are you in the posh area??“

Question: “That’s cute…is it from Joules?” Translation: “Please tell me it’s from the eBay Joules outlet store otherwise we are in completely different leagues.”

Question: “Any plans for the weekend?” Translation: “Don’t care – let me tell you about the fantastic family day out we have planned followed by the drinks we’re having in the evening with our huge number of friends.”

Question: “Blah blah blah, I mean the cleaner comes that day anyway, blah blah…” Translation: “Yeah that’s right bitch, we’ve got a cleaner. Jealous much?”

Question: “So are you doing anything nice for your birthday?” Translation: “Let’s see/hope/pray this person has a non-existent social life like me…”

Question: “Are you thinking of having any more kids?” Translation: “Because I don’t want to be alone in this…”

Essentially, mum chit chat all comes down to comparison. We are insecure and equally jealous creatures, constantly comparing as every other person you know seems to have it better.

They may live in the posh area but pay a stonking mortgage they can barely afford. They may do nice things for their birthdays but that’s to makeup for the lack of nice things the rest of the year. They may have a cleaner, but that’s because their just lazy… (I’m joking. Kind of. I’m just jealous.)

Small talk is a polite way to validate ourselves. And to find out where the other mums live so we can look up it on Prime Location and figure out how much money they have and compare it to our own crappy house.

Come on now, let’s be honest.


#cherishedmemories · children · Honest mum · mum · Parenting

The pressure of entertaining kids over half-term

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I didn’t have my first holiday until I was 17.

I can count a total of two day trips in the whole of my childhood.

I was raised by a very poor single mother who had zero interest in entertaining me and enriching my life with farm parks, welly walks and craft sessions.

Despite what all the netmums blogs would predict, I turned out OK!

Yet now I live in a lovely little town filled with lovely middle-class people who ALL seem to want to spend each and every day of the holiday doing fantastically fun things (and then bragging about them). Which is great, obviously, but the pressure is unreal. Especially for those who still have to go to work, those who don’t drive, those with tricky children or those who don’t want to spend massive amount of money. The constant guilt in a mother’s mind of “am i doing enough?” certainly heightens over the holidays.

Our half-term has been filled with play dates and park trips. One cinema excursion and one swimming morning. That’s it. I indulged in an organised, overpriced welly walk and my little turderoos did not care for it at all. Money well spent, as always. Before, I would feel massively guilty about the lack of filling their schedules with exciting things but after having a lovely half-term, I now see there is nothing wrong with it at all.

“Mummy, I’m really glad I get to have a break from school. I’m so tired and I miss you,” is what my 5 year old said to me.

Bless his little superhero socks, that boy needs a break. Half-term is for chilling and restoring their tanks, not exhausting them even more.

Kids love parks. Kids love TV. Kids love food. As long as you have these three things – you’re good.

#cherishedmemories · Honest mum · mum · Parenting

Days out with kids…

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Just aren’t what they’re made out to be.

  1. Travel sickness – Granted not an issue for many, but with two horrifically travel sick children (both under the age of being able to take any tablets), car rides for us are not great, to say the least. My (rather large) butt has to squeeze in between their car seats holding a bowl while singing songs, fanning and sponging two sweaty kids who will inevitably vom. Followed by me also wanting to vom.
  2. Travel time – Kids get bored. And fast. I cannot fathom how people take children abroad with flight times and transfers etc etc I can only bow down to you because I do not have the courage/patience
  3. The amount of stuff to take – We took the car for a service today. We packed a pushchair, nappies, wipes, spare clothes, snacks, sick bowl, tea towel, gloves, hats and a naked baby (toy doll, not Turdette). What the actual hell?!
  4. Novelty – “Let’s go to Slimbridge and learn all about the birds and do the Lego trail etc” The novelty wears off quick. We get there and kids are instantly terrified. Followed by bored. Then they just want to play in the park. And eat. Money well spent.
  5. Forced happiness – Day trips and Christmas is when the forced, unmovable mum smile comes into play. I am so determined to make the day happy, I will plaster this ridiculous smile on my face accompanied with helpful “suggestions” and a listening ear. As soon as we hit the front door, the lovely “Shall we share? That would be a nice idea” snaps back to the good old “Stop fighting and just let have a go for God’s sake!”

Days out with the kids are like child birth. As soon you get home, you forget all the pain and only remember the positives. Then regret it when you decide to do it again.