mumfriends – Playground Politics

Small talk in the playground or at toddler groups is an inevitable ritual when you’re a mum. Yet the small talk is all a lie – you need to dig a little deeper to find the truth. So here is a guide I hope you find useful (and I wish somebody showed me when I first became a mum.)

Question: “What do you do?” Translation: “Stay-at-home mum? Ahhh thought so…”

Question: “What does your husband do?” Translation: “How rich are you people??“

Question: “Where about do you live?” Translation: “Are you in the posh area??“

Question: “That’s cute…is it from Joules?” Translation: “Please tell me it’s from the eBay Joules outlet store otherwise we are in completely different leagues.”

Question: “Any plans for the weekend?” Translation: “Don’t care – let me tell you about the fantastic family day out we have planned followed by the drinks we’re having in the evening with our huge number of friends.”

Question: “Blah blah blah, I mean the cleaner comes that day anyway, blah blah…” Translation: “Yeah that’s right bitch, we’ve got a cleaner. Jealous much?”

Question: “So are you doing anything nice for your birthday?” Translation: “Let’s see/hope/pray this person has a non-existent social life like me…”

Question: “Are you thinking of having any more kids?” Translation: “Because I don’t want to be alone in this…”

Essentially, mum chit chat all comes down to comparison. We are insecure and equally jealous creatures, constantly comparing as every other person you know seems to have it better.

They may live in the posh area but pay a stonking mortgage they can barely afford. They may do nice things for their birthdays but that’s to makeup for the lack of nice things the rest of the year. They may have a cleaner, but that’s because their just lazy… (I’m joking. Kind of. I’m just jealous.)

Small talk is a polite way to validate ourselves. And to find out where the other mums live so we can look up it on Prime Location and figure out how much money they have and compare it to our own crappy house.

Come on now, let’s be honest.

Is that every conversation is about kids.

Which is nice. Sometimes. But I miss real friendship.

Friends you can just laugh with, chat about films, food music and games. Not about nap schedules, phonics books and potty training.

Of course being a mum, these conversations are inevitable but you when you pop a sprog you automatically become tied to people who you share no real common ground with. You don’t have similar hobbies, opinions or sense of humour. Kids unite you – and that can be pretty dull.

Yet you see these people so much they become your friends through definition. I could have several messages on my phone asking if I will be at said toddler group/soft play/birthday party but I think my last invitation out with people strictly over the age of 18 was about a year ago!

It’s tragic. My kids have a better social life than me. Or my social life comprises of kids. Either way you look at it, it’s depressing.

When I ask somebody, “how are you?” I genuinely want to know how they are doing. As an individual. As a person. What their highs and lows are, what they have been up to or what they are hoping to do. Not host a discussion about weaning or eczema.

I think it would be better if we could all just wear tags a little like this:

Likes: Call the midwife, crafts and when people fall over.

Dislikes: Narcissism, mushrooms and when people do not fall over.

Easy. Scan the tag, assess potential and move on.

Too much time has been wasted dillydallying in mum small talk, thinking their is a potential friend there, to then realise that this person is a big dull dud. It’s too late by this point. Too many conversations have been exchanged and by definition this person is now my friend and there is nothing I can do about it except for tiptoe about and not be myself.

Mum Tinder, here we come.