mums – Playground Politics

Flowers and candles are all well and good, but if we have to do our normal duties, WTF is the point?!

Mums operate 365 days a year. Let that sink in. Every goddamn day. No sick days. No holidays. No duvet days. Mother’s Day should be an exception. I want to be selfish and not do anything for anyone else. Including my own mother and mother-in-law.

This is what I (and I’m sure other mums) really want on Mother’s Day but are too polite to say aloud:

To be left alone
To not wipe anything – no surfaces, no mouths, no bums (unless it is my own, may be taking it a bit too far otherwise)
To lie-in without any guilt
To not make breakfast, make lunch, cook dinner, obtain snacks. In fact, it even stresses me out watching the husband cook so takeaway would be great.
To watch what I want on TV. Screw you Peppa Pig, this is my day.
To chill. I want to play Xbox with the headset on max. I want to do some little craft projects. Probably nap. And read in bed (without any advances from the other half, thank you very much.)
Chocolate. Because everyday I want chocolate. If I didn’t actually have it on a special occasion then there is clearly grounds for divorce.

Call me harsh, but the idea of going out for dinner with kids on Mother’s Day also blows. Trying to restrain a toddler while waiting for food to arrive that they refuse to eat? To then stop them from stabbing themselves with a fork and knocking the knife on the floor for the freaking umpteenth time? And then be blackmailed into buying ice-cream for them by the pity-filled waitress which again they refuse to eat?! No thanks. I’m good.

Ideally, the other half should take the kids out and leave me the hell alone. Of course you can’t actually admit that so I’ll accept the other 7 things on my list.

My Mother’s Day motto: Not my problem.

So tell me, what do you really want this Mother’s Day?

Is that every conversation is about kids.

Which is nice. Sometimes. But I miss real friendship.

Friends you can just laugh with, chat about films, food music and games. Not about nap schedules, phonics books and potty training.

Of course being a mum, these conversations are inevitable but you when you pop a sprog you automatically become tied to people who you share no real common ground with. You don’t have similar hobbies, opinions or sense of humour. Kids unite you – and that can be pretty dull.

Yet you see these people so much they become your friends through definition. I could have several messages on my phone asking if I will be at said toddler group/soft play/birthday party but I think my last invitation out with people strictly over the age of 18 was about a year ago!

It’s tragic. My kids have a better social life than me. Or my social life comprises of kids. Either way you look at it, it’s depressing.

When I ask somebody, “how are you?” I genuinely want to know how they are doing. As an individual. As a person. What their highs and lows are, what they have been up to or what they are hoping to do. Not host a discussion about weaning or eczema.

I think it would be better if we could all just wear tags a little like this:

Likes: Call the midwife, crafts and when people fall over.

Dislikes: Narcissism, mushrooms and when people do not fall over.

Easy. Scan the tag, assess potential and move on.

Too much time has been wasted dillydallying in mum small talk, thinking their is a potential friend there, to then realise that this person is a big dull dud. It’s too late by this point. Too many conversations have been exchanged and by definition this person is now my friend and there is nothing I can do about it except for tiptoe about and not be myself.

Mum Tinder, here we come.