Thanks a lot Peppa Pig…

April 9, 2019 Playground Politics1 Comment

If you have children, you have seen Peppa Pig. It’s inevitable. It doesn’t matter how old your child gets, it seems there is always a soft spot for that penis-shaped-head farm animal. The colours, catchy tunes and life lessons, I get it. But as a parent having to watch the show a million times over (there’s only 6 seasons since 2004 – make some more you tight arses!) there are a few things I owe to Peppa Pig…

Turdette is terrified of spiders thanks to Mr. Fucking Skinny Legs. At Halloween, she was all about the plastic spiders. She watches that damn episode and BOOM, she now cries when she sees an ant, let alone a spider.
“Urgh disgusting” – yeah thanks Peppa, every bloody meal time now. Cheers for that.
General brattish behaviour. This entails stomping, moaning and not allowing younger sibling to play. I know that’s a lot to blame on a TV show but my son never spoke to me in such a tone before Peppa Pig!
Distaste for the colour pink: George doesn’t like pink. Daddy can’t possibly wear a pink football shirt. Come on now, it’s not the eighties, let’s break down those gender stereotypes for the future generation.
Fat-shaming. “Daddy Pig has a big tummy. Daddy Pig is too big for that.” Poor Daddy Pig. He was probably rocking a six pack before these bratface kids came along and now all he has to look forward to is his cherished chocolate cake to see him through the day. Daddy Pig is like a brother from another mother to me.
Speaking of Daddy Pig…the poor sod has to do EVERYTHING for his family, from mowing the grass on his day off to traipsing all over the place to recover that teddy and for what?! To be continuously riddiculed for his weight and foolishness?! Disgraceful.
Feeling like an inadequate parent. Regardless of annoying and whiny their little piggies are, Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig keep it cool. They don’t shout. Or throw cereal. Threaten. Or bribe. Yet I do all of these before 9am every morning.

Thanks a lot Peppa Pig. As much I hate you, you bring hours of joy to my Turd and Turdette and are a definite upgrade since that illiterate and somewhat incestuous nonsense that was In The Night Garden.

Honest mum · mum · Mum friends · Parenting

The thing about mum friends…

January 23, 2019January 23, 2019 Playground Politics3 Comments

Is that every conversation is about kids.

Which is nice. Sometimes. But I miss real friendship.

Friends you can just laugh with, chat about films, food music and games. Not about nap schedules, phonics books and potty training.

Of course being a mum, these conversations are inevitable but you when you pop a sprog you automatically become tied to people who you share no real common ground with. You don’t have similar hobbies, opinions or sense of humour. Kids unite you – and that can be pretty dull.

Yet you see these people so much they become your friends through definition. I could have several messages on my phone asking if I will be at said toddler group/soft play/birthday party but I think my last invitation out with people strictly over the age of 18 was about a year ago!

It’s tragic. My kids have a better social life than me. Or my social life comprises of kids. Either way you look at it, it’s depressing.

When I ask somebody, “how are you?” I genuinely want to know how they are doing. As an individual. As a person. What their highs and lows are, what they have been up to or what they are hoping to do. Not host a discussion about weaning or eczema.

I think it would be better if we could all just wear tags a little like this:

Likes: Call the midwife, crafts and when people fall over.

Dislikes: Narcissism, mushrooms and when people do not fall over.

Easy. Scan the tag, assess potential and move on.

Too much time has been wasted dillydallying in mum small talk, thinking their is a potential friend there, to then realise that this person is a big dull dud. It’s too late by this point. Too many conversations have been exchanged and by definition this person is now my friend and there is nothing I can do about it except for tiptoe about and not be myself.

Mum Tinder, here we come.

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Dogs and children are NOT the same

December 15, 2018December 15, 2018 Playground PoliticsLeave a comment

Somebody once to me “I never realised having dogs was so much like having children.”

…

In case it’s not obvious enough, this person does not have children.

I awkwardly smiled with a little laugh as surely they must have been joking…

They weren’t. The dog apparently wakes them up in the morning. Oh and likes cuddles when they get home from work.

END OF COMPARISON.

Here is what I wanted to say/should have said:

I’m sure you also lost two years of sleep due to the pups swinging off your nipples five times a night. The chaffing, the bulging boobs and soggy bras in the morning…oh, the dog licks your face each morning? What a calamity.

I can only imagine the washing you have to do. Three loads a day I’m on. I purposefully bought an additional laundry basket to try the disguise the amount there is to do. I think the last time I saw the bottom of the basket was five years ago.

I just love grabbing the lead and going for a frolic in the woods too. Just me, the kids, the nappies, the wipes, the snacks, the gloves, the wellies and the tangles of brambles. Just a week ago, I tried to go for a walk in the woods. I ended up with a muddy two-year old stuck on my hips for THREE HOURS as she refused to walk.

Clingy? Aw your puppies like to cuddle on your lap when you get home? I know what you mean. My two literally hook their arms around my ankles when I’m cooking. They shout my name repeatedly when I leave the room. They cry EVERY FRICKING MORNING when I drop them off at school. Bless ’em, eh?

Suffice to say, I haven’t spoken to this person for a while.